Are you a giver or a taker in conversations?

"Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations. When giver meets giver or taker meets taker, all is well. When giver meets taker, however, giver gives, taker takes, and giver gets resentful (“Why won’t he ask me a single question?”) while taker has a lovely time (“She must really think I’m interesting!”) or gets annoyed (“My job is so boring, why does she keep asking me about it?”)." It's easy to assume that givers are virtuous and takers are villainous, but that’s giver propaganda. Conversations, like improv scenes, start to sink if they sit still. Takers can paddle for both sides, relieving their partners of the duty to generate the next thing. It’s easy to remember how lonely it feels when a taker refuses to cede the spotlight to you, but easy to forget how lovely it feels when you don’t want the spotlight and a taker lets you recline on the mezzanine while they fill the stage. When you’re tired or shy or anxious or bored, there’s nothing better than hopping on the back of a conversational motorcycle, wrapping your arms around your partner’s waist, and holding on for dear life while they rocket you to somewhere new. - Adam Mastroianni, author of substack article "Good conversations have lots of doorknobs"

I can't even begin to think about how to unpack this brilliant article. It's one of the most eye-opening articles I've read in a long while. I have a big appreciation for articles that shed light on everyday concepts that we normally don't think about.

Adam's perspective helped me unlearn the belief that "givers do more work" in conversations. Personally, I believed that "takers" are the ones who do less work because they are on the receiving end of the questions... however, contrary to popular belief, an equal amount of effort (if not more) is also put in to answer questions and constantly volunteer information without any real reciprocation at times.

Learning more about "givers" and "takers"empowered me to not only deepen my empathy for"takers", but inspire me to start learning more about how to be a "taker". Maybe it's OK that I don't have a bucket of questions ready to go to spew out like a nerf gun. Maybe asking questions isn't the only way to connect.

Don't get me wrong, you can still count on me to whip out a We're Not Really Strangers card unannounced haha!! I am and always will be proud of my curiosity - it's a part of my being and I genuinely believe that human minds are like onions; each layer allows me to build a deeper bond within my relationships.

So, if asking questions isn't the only way to cultivate meaningful conversation, what can we do? Thought you'd never ask... drumroll - by offering a load of conversation doorknobs.

Here's an excerpt from his article explaining what a conversation doorknob is:

Givers try to salvage these situations by turning them into laborious seminar discussions (“Why don’t we all say what we thought about the movie?”). Takers, on the other hand, simply make conversation happen (“That movie sucked and anybody who liked it can fight me!”). When we’re all standing on the perimeter of an empty dance circle, takers are the martyrs who will launch themselves into the middle and do the stanky legg.

...Neither givers nor takers have it 100% correct, and their conflicts often come from both sides’ insistence that the other side must convert or die. Rather than mounting an Inquisition on our interlocutors, we ought to focus on perfecting our own technique. And the way to do that, I think, is by adding a bunch of doorknobs, characterized as "digressions, confessions, and bold claims that beg for a rejoinder"

Also can we just give a round of applause to this incredible metaphor he came up with? Conversational DOORKNOBS? Obsessed.

Here's an example of a taker presenting a big, graspable doorknob:

"I get kinda creeped out when couples treat their dogs like babies” and not "Let me tell you about the plot of the movie Must Love Dogs…"

Good "taking" makes the other side want to take too IE: "I know! My friends asked me to be the godparent to their Schnauzer, it’s so crazy" "What?? Was there a ceremony?"

Similarly, some questions have doorknobs: Why do you think you and your brother turned out so different?” and some don't: "How many of your grandparents are still living?”)

But even knob-less giving can be met with knob-ful taking (“I have one grandma still alive, and I think a lot about all this knowledge she has––how to raise a family, how to cope with tragedy, how to make chocolate zucchini bread––and how I feel anxious about learning from her while I still can”).

Here are some examples below on the dynamic of when giver meets giver, taker meets taker, giver meets taker, and taker meets giver, thanks to the comment section of this article:

GIVER/GIVER

John: "I had a migrain yesterday. Do you ever get those?"

Kim: "Yes, and they make it impossible for me to get anything done until I'm better. Did you have anything important planned for yesterday?"

John: "I was supposed to make a big presentation, but I had to cancel. How's your work been?"

TAKER/TAKER

John: "I had a migrain yesterday."

Kim: "I'm so sorry! I get those too and I can't get anything done until I'm better."

John: "Yeah, I was supposed to make a big presentation but I had to cancel."

GIVER/TAKER

John: "I had a migrain yesterday. Do you ever get those?"

Kim: "Yes, and they make it impossible for me to get anything done."

John: "Just too painful?"

TAKER/GIVER

John: "I had a migrain yesterday."

Kim: "I'm so sorry! Was it a bad one?"

John: "Yes, and I was supposed to make a big presentation. I had to cancel."

I love the simplicity of these examples and how it's inspired me to sit back and reflect on some of the conversations I've had. It's time to do da KNOBBBBB -does cheezy doorknob twitchy dance move-

OK - this is getting a bit long - I am trying my best to make a promise to myself to not speak with no filters so hence, the short story long as always..

I'd like to end with two of the juiciest nuggets I've gathered from this article:

1) Asking thoughtful questions isn't the only way to build meaningful connections. Sharing stories in the form of digressions, bold claims, and confessions can also create relatable story sharing.

2) Takers do equal work as givers, as they are the ones offering up information and often, have it not reciprocated. While takers deserve some redemption, givers deserve some scrutiny

And bye! I have been told that I need to work on my transitions...

See you soon, raccoon!!!

LilCDawg

Nuggeteer of the month: Adam Mastroianni

Article: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs